By this time, I had already stayed up most of the night unraveling the little bonnet’d blanket that wrapped my tiny daughters body to take her all in. At least half a dozen times I had gone through this motion. Touching her fingers which were now rigid in a fist. Her sweet little toes which had the tiniest little foot attached. I would rub the space between her forehead and nose gently with my finger.
I had to soak it in because I knew that any moment they would be there to get her. We kept a lifeless Lucy in our hospital room over night in which we decided, without insurance, to stay… one more night. A decision upon which the funeral home refused to come get her the night she was born and we made the mistake of asking what they would do to her body, if we left that night. We made the right decision.
Between my husband and I, we swaddled her in the giant warm hospital blankets meant for “normal” sized newborns, to keep her warm. This was very important to us. Useless. But, what did we care. At this point there was a notion that she is our baby and we are here to parent her until we can’t physically parent her any longer. So we do and did. We would rock her, sing to her, and sleep with her. She never left my hands nor his. We would take turns sitting up with her and having our moments with her. We were in love.
See yesterday, was Lucy’s birthday. I was slightly on edge, but in general good spirits most of the day. I had connected with friends and family through shared experience of sharing #lucyslove through an event I had made to send kindness out into the world. Nearly, 150 people joined in the love. My heart is full.
But its today that gets me. Today, is the day I feel in my bones forever more. Today, is the last day I was able to hold my daughter for the last time. Today lives in my muscle memory.
Rocking my sweet Lucy, there was a knock on the door. The nurse was there to tell us that the sweet lady from the funeral home was here to take Lucy. She asked us if we were ready and if she could come in. I hesitantly nodded yes and the process began. The process in which everyone takes there last moments to draw in any part of someone they can before a final goodbye. I am all too familiar with this process for this is not the first time I have had to send someone precious to a funeral home. But this, this was heart wrenching. I sobbed as I watched everyone in their “process” with her while the lady gave me info on how Lucy would be cared for and asking me any final requests. That’s all rubbish in my ear because all I can focus on is that little pink blanketed tiny girl, that is my daughter being passed around before I get to have my final moment. I make it quick because if I don’t decide to let her go now, I don’t know if I could ever do it.
I passed her to her father…
who passed her to the lady, who herself was in tears…
AND I DIED. Right then. My body void of rational process, collapsed. My heart was literally walking out of the door and the wails that exploded from my body were other-worldly. I have never felt such immense torture rapturing my body and sent tears flying from my eyes like a cartoon character. I screamed and sobbed for a savior to bring my daughter home. To just let me take HER home!
For an hour my body endured this pain that couldn’t be pacified by any words, thoughts, or notions. I deserved this moment to release. My body and heart needed to slough off the old to grow bigger because, going through something this tough can either give you heart or turn you dark.
A calm suddenly took over my body and I finally lifted my head for the first time. Everyone had just been taking in this event with tear filled eyes. I was grateful for their silence in my waves of grief. I didn’t even know who was in the room or who was participating in my grief, but no words were needed. Only tear filled silence.
Yesterday, I was able to celebrate Lucielle Diane Lawrence’s life with acts of love, kindness, and cake. July 15th will always be seen as a celebration of legacy and love. Yesterday, I thrive. Today, I mourn. This is my reality.
Send Milena (Angel 7-16-13) Happy Birthday wishes from Earth, In the sky.