Lucy in the Sky

Breathing new life into my original posts about my loss of Lucy. As her 2nd “birthday” approaches, I think it is important to revisit the person that I was on day one. Those feelings are so raw and real. I still feel these things. These things are in the core of my existence. The loss was never more. But I live. I live on because not only do I want to keep Lucy alive… I live because I have three other children that require me to live for them. In a time where I could have laid my head down and closed my eyes eternal, I woke up. I am still waking up. Each day, I am grateful for the opportunity to be present and show up in life. Recognize the grief, and when those gut wrenching moments happen. Honor them. Honor yourself. Show up!

 

“Looking for the girl with the sun in her eyes, and she’s gone” Written July 16th, 2013. 1 Day After Lucy’s Birth:

Although, I have been very busily keeping my current journey somewhat public, I thought it would be much easier to move my thoughts to a blog space. Since Saturday July 13th, I have been in labor with my 21w 5 day along baby girl, until the littlest Lucy lost all odds she had been fighting for 13 weeks on July 15.Many times I see blogs of mourning parents who have lost children, and you think there is NO fucking way that happens here. This shit just doesn’t happen to me. I am a good person, I very rarely get mad at my children, I like strawberry ice cream, I believe in good karma, and I brake for squirrels. Hell, I cry at Hallmark Commercials, and laugh at Austin Powers movies. (I know people, but Mike Myers gets me).

This pregnancy was planned, well mostly, considering it was way quicker than planned and I blame my husband. I ate gluten free and healthy. I had only gained three pounds, and I had taken all my vitamins. At 9 weeks 5 days the apocalypse started with blood clots which we thought were a miscarriage, and sent us into a whirlwind of doctors visits, and hospital rooms that I would never wish on any family. No one could really know what was going with her in there, some people thought they knew, I saw midwifes, doctors, and specialist alike, got NO answers for Lucy until after she was born. I was on Bedrest and Off, and On, and Off. No Sex, No Moving, Ok, Now you can do what you want! Ok sorry, no sex…. DAMN IT!She was very much wanted, and very much a part of our little family. So we tried to follow all the “experts” directions. This family never lacks, but misses the love of half of its counterparts.

So, she’s here. Well, she was. She was here for 1 hour and 16 minutes, laying on my chest. Breathing as a reflex, not as an actual function, heart beating only because she was strong, sucking her thumb and peeing on her Mom. Damn it! She was ALL there. She was mine and she showed me for over one hour what it was like to be her MOM. You know what? Every minute of it, I loved it. I held her the entire time, and let my chest and my warm beating heart be her final resting place. My daughter lived inside of me, fully and strongly, and died on me. What a privilege that is as a human mother to be able to have your little ones whole life revolve around your love. Her Daddy was right there the whole time and we just enjoyed her every moment. Not thinking about anything but enjoying her. Once declared that she was too small to save and no longer living did she get weighed and measured, like every normal birthed child. Put into a special bonneted blanket and handed back to us until we deemed fit.

When is that time? Honestly, when do you think you have given this kid enough your love, respect, and time, after their life was shortened by at least 80 years. That time, is really never. You only just decide that its kind of ok to call the funeral home to take her after you are starting to feel numb, only to lose your shit when they get there. You just met your child, now you are making “arrangements” for them. Something you should never have to do for your own child, EVER! I don’t care how many times it happens, or how prevalent it r

eally is, it isn’t something anyone should HAVE to do!

You can see, I’m angry, and you better bet your bippy, I am upset. It’s my first full day without her, and it hurts. I’m done searching for answers as to why, because I know this will only make me mad as a hatter. There is zer

o time for that! ask Sweet Brown. But what I do is grieve. I grieve in waves, I grieve in different ways, and I grieve with different people. Making myself a space to grieve is only a start. If it never gets read, I am ok with its release. See, I am Lucy’s Mom, and I own that. No one will ever get to take that away from me, and what a wonderful feeling that is. There is no one to be mad at or no one to blame, there is only loving her. That is ALL there is.

Now my physical Lucy is no longer with me, I can’t rub my favorite spot between her eyes on top of her prevalent nose. Or kiss her cold forehead. Or make sure my tears don’t get on her blankie. Or make sure her lifeless body stay’s “warm” by swaddling her 14 oz’s in a blanket made for 9lbs. These things were taken from me before I was ready! I could never be ready! I could stare at her face every day. I wanted her! GOD, I wanted her. I wanted her SO bad. I deserved her, like any mother deserves their children. And, I miss my one day old spirit, like I miss someone I have know for over 20 years. I only just met her, but she was mine to have, and to hold, through sickness and health, as I promised her soul the day I married her father. Lucy is our Legacy, and she has proven to be with Diamonds.

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