Waking up in a cold sweat, angry. Breathing so heavy I could only barely utter “Babe, I had a bad dream.”, only to lay there another five minutes before I could formulate an exact thought and a way to tell my husband what just transpired in my dream.
What had happened was a reoccurring dream that I have had over the last 6 years where my husband and I part ways. In this dream, the behavior of my husband is shockingly calm and complacent, which is the most hurtful feeling I have ever felt. The complacency is palpable and I lose myself in my dream.
What transpires after is every insecurity that ever graces my brain where my anxiety or my ego tries to tell me that I am not enough and when I awake, the feeling lingers and it takes sometime for me to process what is truth and what is lying.
Lie; That I am bound to this man to be my every thing. That I have put incredibly too much stock in the fact that my whole being is wrapped up in being his wife and “their” mother. Lets be real, there is a huge part of me that is absolutely satisfied and grateful for all they are and being a Wife and Mother is the best thing that has ever happened to me. But it’s not my only identity.
Lie; That I can’t trust the loving relationship that we have built together. This relationship is strong and I can’t let the past dictate our future.
Lie; That I am not enough to “keep” him satisfied. If he isn’t satisfied with me, then that is HIS problem, not mine. I am enough, just as is.
Lie; That I can’t support myself and my children.
All this truly stems from my first divorce and the inability to survive on my own. If I wouldn’t have had the grace and courtesy of family and friends to help me through, I would have drowned after the end of my first marriage. I didn’t realize how in dire straights I would have been, but my body carried that trauma on. I will forever remain grateful to the beautiful person that single handedly carried me through that time (She knows who she is, and I owe her it all).
Her grace and the uncomfortable feeling that this time brought was the absolute catalyst to me finishing my 4 year degree and making sure that I would never have to rely on someone else to carry me through again.
So why do I continue to subconsciously carry this with me? Obviously, I need more work in this area. But the catalyst of this entire feeling is the path and the journey that I am on. I am on a journey to health, weight loss, and creating two new businesses. I had some huge successes last night and break-throughs and this dream tried to show up and derail.
It’s so interesting to me how that works but, I have to remember these truths.
Truth; I have a good body, and it is providing me health for longevity.
Truth; I am in a wonderful marriage that others dream about. I am treated with so much love and mutual respect that the complacent man in my dreams doesn’t exist for me.
Truth; I don’t NEED him. I want to love him. and HE wants to love me, but doesn’t need me.
Truth; I am growing two separate successful ventures, and can survive alone, if I would be so unfortunate.
Truth; I am a capable woman of the Universal source and God is loving and good. She sees what love I bring to this world and forgives me for all the wrong doing I have done, so that I can go forth spreading her love.
Truth; I am a Woman who is deserving of love, that is capable of loving, that has beauty and sees beauty in others, who is blessed to be a mother and a wife, and allows herself to honor all the things.
Truth; My dreams do not define me, or my life.