Years of trauma have settled into my body, and leaked into every fiber. Between childhood mishaps, losing a parent and child, and divorce, there is so much swirling around inside me like a whirl wind of stress; there is no wonder my body is rejecting me.
But that is not what body’s want for us, and this body is a good body.
So, it’s time to put in the work to start truly recovering this trauma from body and retrieving the pieces of my soul that are floating around out there to be recovered.
It’s interesting when we talk about trauma and loss. Traditionally, we believe that we just have to sit in it. That this has become who we are and we have to do with it, the best we can. I don’t believe that this is a thing that holds truth.
There are ways to release some of this trauma to live a soul’s purposeful life. It just has to be done, intensely and purposeful.
So, I am going to start with my Physical body. This is the layer of my soul that I project to the world. She carries extra weight because there is an underlying story that when she releases this trauma and weight that she will not be capable of handling the world around her.
In my first marriage, I lost 60 lbs and turned into this wild party goer who was making all the wrong decisions, including infidelity. But, as I discovered there was more going on within my fiber that truly spoke volumes to what I have been through in my life.
My childhood had many incidences of inappropriate sexual misconduct on the part of people older and close to me. I thought as a child, in order to receive love from these people, which I desperately sought, I had to participate in these acts.
Fast forward to 2007 and losing weight provided all the attention that a girl could want (and I love attention, not gonna lie). I had the same story line seep from my fiber and thought that I was being shown love and for me to receive love, that I needed to be intimate with these people that I had NO business being intimate with.
Judge if you must, but I absolutely was performing my life from an old story line when I was exploited as a child. This honestly, dictated me my entire life. My entire healthy sexual being was wiped out by complete disregard for my sexual being as a child. Because I was seeking self love, through seeking love from others who I thought dictated my worth!
I tell this story because, I have spent the last two years or so in forgiveness work. Forgiveness to my exploiters, forgiveness to myself, and that is a hard job. I carry it in 80-100 extra pounds that is no longer serving me. To release this that weighs me down, I have to WANT to rid myself of this story and know that I will be safe in my smaller skin. Be safe to know that I am deserving of the love and attention that I receive daily from my wonderful husband. To be comfortable in my skin to decipher attention as someone’s need (that I have no desire to reciprocate) and not mine, and that it holds no value in my life. That I can have acceptance for who I am, not based on the attention I receive from people who are interested in unhealthy contact but people who value being my friend.
I am the decider of my safety in my body, and I deem myself safe. I forgive those who trespassed my soul and body for their own pleasure and good, and I seek my highest good because they no longer bare a weight on me.
I can shed their weight that has spent 30 years accumulating, and forgive my 5,10,15,20,25,30 year old selves for the acts in which I felt were the product of this fable I had been living. Realigning who I am to live my best life.
I start this journey today. I powerfully, unapologetically, and authentically move through this. It won’t be easy but its time to recover my true soul’s fragments to once again to be whole.